I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
