Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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