i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
