I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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