don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
This toilet bowl is my home.
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