I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
