I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
