Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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