Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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