someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
either way he was missing a nipple.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
