So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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