Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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