Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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