I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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