I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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