i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
