I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
