theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
