I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
