i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
