a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Randomize
