I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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