Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
