Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
