Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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