My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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