The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize