you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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