They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
