i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
