I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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