and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize