first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
