I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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