Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
