I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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