bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
