So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
