just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
