Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
