I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
