i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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