I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
