Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
