im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I want to be your penis for a week.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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