just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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