I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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