dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
