I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
