I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
