I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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