K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Randomize
