Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
