Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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