The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm passing your future prison.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
