I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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